Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
