I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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