Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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