I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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