Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
