Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
