Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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