i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
