if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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