she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
