wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
