nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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