Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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