I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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