I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
