I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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