He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
