I think I died a long time ago.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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