Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
