Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
