3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
