I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
