these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
