Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
