I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
