I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
