remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
