The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
