I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
