I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
