Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
