I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
