its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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