Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
