Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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