Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
