What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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