Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
