Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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