just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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