I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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