Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
