R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
