ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
