Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
