i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
