Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Couch. On fire.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
