i permit you to call me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
