Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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