I'm really into asian looking animals
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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