I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
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