and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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