Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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