I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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