come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
