What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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