pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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