My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
